I wish I had a recording of her voice.

Things I've learned since my mom died one year ago today: 7/7/08.

1. Pain does dull. Eventually. Not disappear.

2. Asking for help is strength, not weakness.

3. It is inconceivable that a person is there and then not there. That you'll never hear their voice again.

4. That you leave a bit of yourself everywhere - music, food, ideas, laughter, even sarcasm.

5. That having someone to share and compare memories with is priceless.

6. That living a long life (74) does not necessarily make it any easier to say goodbye.

7. That remembering, although painful, is way better than forgetting.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

I enjoy the first sentences of books and stories. I imagine that sentence is slaved over by the author. I could be wrong. But you have to admit that a well-crafted first sentence can compel you to keep reading, anxious to have it explained or elaborated upon. These are from books I've read recently.

"We slept in what had once been the gymnasium." The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.

"The year of the marriage proposal, Sivakiami is ten." The Toss of a Lemon by Padma Viswanathan

"There was only one person in the food-stall who knew exactly what that sound was that was rolling in across the plain, along the silver curve of the Irrawaddy, to the western wall of Mandalay's fort." The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh

"My mother began me one evening in 1968 on a table in the cafe of the town's only cinema." The Accidental by Ali Smith.

"Mr. Verloc, going out in the morning, left his shop nominally in charge of his brother-in-law." The Secret Agent by Joseph Conrad

"She woke at midnight." Palace Walk by Naguib Mahfouz

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

"My earliest memories involve fire." A Drink Before the War by Dennis LeHane.

"Mma Ramotswe had a detective agency in Africa, at the foot of Kgale Hill." The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith

"He cannot remember the name of the day nor is he able to place it in the month and year wherein God placed it." The Days by Taha Hussein

"There was once a thief who made his living by stealing from pilgrims along the road between Mecca and Madina." The Saddlebag by Bahiyyih Nakhjavani

Have any of these sparked your interest?

I have personally been struck this week at the power of gossip:

A Chasidic tale vividly illustrates the danger of improper speech: A man went about the community telling malicious lies about the rabbi. Later, he realized the wrong he had done, and began to feel remorse. He went to the rabbi and begged his forgiveness, saying he would do anything he could to make amends. The rabbi told the man, "Take a feather pillow, cut it open, and scatter the feathers to the winds." The man thought this was a strange request, but it was a simple enough task, and he did it gladly. When he returned to tell the rabbi that he had done it, the rabbi said, "Now, go and gather the feathers. Because you can no more make amends for the damage your words have done than you can recollect the feathers."

At the same time, I have been reading the Letters of Heloise and Abelard - 11th and 12th century monk/nun and philosophers - and an entire section of a Letter of Direction from Abelard speaks to this:

Proverbs 10:19 - in the words of Solomon: Where men talk too much sin is not far away; the man who holds his tongue is wise.

In the book of James: The tongue is a small member of the body, but how great a fire! How vast a forest it can set alight! It is a world of wickedness, an intractable evil, charged with deadly venom.

Proverbs 25:28: Like a city that is breached and left unwalled is a man who cannot control his temper in speech.

St. Gregory, in the 7th book of his Morals: When we are careless about guarding against idle words, we come on to harmful ones. By these provocation is sown, quarrels arise, the torches of hatred are set alight and the whole peace of the heart is destroyed.

* * *

All very dramatic, I know. But it did bring home to me that this is an age old problem and that much damage has always been possible through gossip, slander. One thing I have definitely taken away from this is that I'm determined, in the future, to go to the source. If someone brings gossip to me, I will endeavor to address the person directly, if it is even my business to do so, and not simply be another link in the gossip chain.

Resentment is a Dish Best Served Bubbling and Hot.

All last week resentment, and a feeling of being slighted, was slowly building in me, fed by a daily dose of gossip and innuendo. This building resentment is certainly clearer in hindsight than it was at its inception. Saturday night capped it off, or so I thought. Then Sunday evening, out of nowhere, an even bigger assault on my person and ego struck. The way another's actions were able to derail me was, although not surprising, certainly disappointing.

Parts of my character that do not highlight me at my finest, came bubbling to the surface, not the least of which are pride and petulance. As I absorbed the slight, all other slights and resentments cried out for attention - my husband, whose only crime was being a witness; my daughter, who I felt did not feel appropriate anger on my behalf; my sons, who had forgotten this or neglected that; friends long forgotten who had wounded my pride at some point. It's amazing how much my equilibrium was thrown off by what was, if I were to tell you, a somewhat minor event. The remainder of my evening was spoiled and I went to bed at 7pm, sad and bitter.

I came across a quote once that I really identified with:

But, oh, how sweet is anger. When I'm angry, I'm not in the wrong. Somebody else is in the wrong, and for once I have peace. A delicious peace that gnaws over the wrong like a lion with a ragged bone. It is delicious and compelling enough that it urges me to accumulate other wrongs and hold them greedily close. I love to be wronged; only then, for that brief moment, can I be sure I'm right. It is intoxicating in its sweetness, this brief joy in being right. It is good to be a victim, because victims are sinless.

The quote is from Frederica Mathewes-Green's book Facing East.

Pride goes before a fall. I've often thought that pride is my biggest sin. But perhaps that is pride speaking, believing that I am the one capable of declaring which, of all my many sins, is the biggest?

How will I feel?

Recently my friend Kathy asked me a question. She may not have been prepared for my long-winded answer! Her first-born is about to leave home and move away. Knowing that I have already experienced this (and indeed am about to have my last-born leave as well) she asked me "How will I feel?" Here is my response:

Empty. Not ready. Full of grief. Regret for things not done, not taught, not shared. Regret that your biggest chance to make an impact on her life has passed. Not knowing what the future holds for your relationship. Grief at not sharing your daily life together anymore - not ever really knowing her future friends, her experiences, how she spends her days.

Also, you will start to grieve for Kris. It will feel like the beginning of the end of being together as a family. When she first comes home, it will feel wonderful when all four of you are together. Like a precious gift that the last few months has taught you should not be taken lightly.

Give yourself permission to grieve. That was the biggest gift that my friend Donna gave to me. After months of unacknowledged grieving (not knowing it was grief, just really missing Ryan and feeling sad and unsettled), Donna identified the feeling and gave me permission to really feel it. Almost immediately the grief started to lessen. That in and of itself was a lesson to me.

Now, with Shelby getting ready to leave home, I am not overwhelmed with grief or that pre-empty nest syndrome. I feel excited, hopeful, full of plans for this next stage in my life. Watching your kids become full-fledged adults may, by necessity, be done at a distance, but there is still joy to be found there.

Leaving Sarajevo

I leave in 59 days and was thinking about my time here.

10 Things I Found Strange About Life in Sarajevo:

1. The police are obsessed with fog lights. Jeff likes to drive with his fog lights on and he's been pulled over 3 times for that offense. Anything else they ignore, but fog lights seem to be a big threat. Even the random stops they wave us through because of our diplomatic plates.
2. Parking on the sidewalks and any other flat surface. Anywhere seems to be fair game for parking - it's crazy. Last time I was in the U.S. I started to pull my tires up on the sidewalk somewhere and then I snapped out of it.
3. Parking BEHIND MY CAR. We're in a locked, secure garage, yet still I go downstairs and someone has parked immediately in front of my spot. WTH?!?!??!?!? In what universe is this okay? Drives me insane.
4. Fear of fresh air. I think it's known as "propu" but they have a belief that open windows are unhealthy and will make you sick. I opened my window once in the taxi and the guy practically had a coronary - yelling No and reaching across me to wind it back up.
5. PDA. We live next door to a large city park with lots of bunches. Young couples do absolutely everything but... Well, maybe they do that too. I'm walking the dogs right next to them - everyone is walking everywhere - and they just go nuts on these benches. Blech.
6. Fear of dogs. Many Bosnians are really scared of dogs. Not all. If they are observant muslims, and a dog touches them, they have to shower before they can pray. My poor friend Shereen tries to be a good sport, but I see her face when my dogs come and rub up against them. I know she's instantly trying to figure out when she's going to fit a second shower in!
7. No big motive for profit. There are a gazillion coffee places all over town. You can sit there for hours and sip one cup and they couldn't care less. They have nothing else to sell (no food at all) and even in the restaurants table turnover is of no concern. My sister would starve working as a waitress in this country!
8. Where's all the money coming from?!? Unemployment is supposed to be like 46% here. (Can you imagine if that was true in the U.S.? We freak out at 5%.) Yet I see so many new buildings going up - modern shopping centers and so forth. I'm told it's Mafia money but the fact remains that money is coming from somewhere.
9. People obey the traffic lights! Like really! The lights go like this: green, flashing green, yellow, red. People here will stop on the flashing green. No one goes through a yellow unless they were trapped in the intersection for some reason. They'd get run down in the U.S.!
10. Fear of large bills. This is not quite as true as it was the first 2 years. Change and small bills are a precious commodity. No one has change - not the markets, not the grocery stores. I've tried to buy a couple of things with a 20 and been turned away. At the markets, you can forget it. We used to hoard and fight over our change. That seems to have improved...or we've gotten better at being prepared!

10 Things I Will Miss In Sarajevo:

1. My gorgeous, light, airy, penthouse apartment. I really love this place.
2. The view from my apartment. We have a gorgeous view of the hillside on the other side of the river and it's just so beautiful - in every season.
3. Cevapi. Yum.
4. The bread at our favorite restaurant - Dveri. Jeff can reproduce anything and even he has not been able to conquer this bread. SO good.
5. Real Coke. Not that I drink a lot of Coke. But the Coke here is still made with real sugar, not corn syrup. Big difference.
6. NOT driving my car. We take our car out like once every 10 days - on average. Just no need to drive. We are surrounded by shops and only a 15 minute walk from the embassy.
7. The incredible scenery just 15 minutes out of town. Mountains, rock faces, rivers. Gorgeous.
8. Jeff. Since he won't be in Ohio.
9. My bookclub. I love my bookclub with its international flavor. I'm usually the only American and there's usually not two people from the same country there. Such interesting perspectives and such interesting book choices.
10. The beautiful mosques. We have everything from mosques that have existed since Ottoman times to very post-modern (looking like spaceship) type mosques. Gorgeous miniarets, copper roofs, etc.

Daily Show CNBC 030409

Are you kidding me??!?!?

Jews in Sarajevo

I find history interesting, and since my blog is entitled "What I'm thinking about today..." I decided to post this information that was just sent to me by the International Women's Club of Sarajevo which has scheduled a tour of the Synagogue and Jewish Museum in the old part of the city.

The first Jews were tracked in Bosnia in 1541, 400 hundred years ago. They were mostly artisans, merchants, pharmacists, and doctors. They built their own quarter, dubbed El Cortijo (the courtyard), in 1577 with permission from the pasha Siavush. The community built a synagogue in El Cortijo in 1580 with the help of a Turkish benefactor, in a building called Velika Avlija. By the end of the 16th century, the building where Velika Avlija stood became known as old Jewish Cathedral, Sarajevo’s first synagogue. In the 17th century, Jews of Ashkenazi descent began arriving in Sarajevo, fleeing persecution from Europe. The Jews already established in the city were of Sephardic descent, and the two communities remained separate until the advent of World War II.

A bad fate fell upon the Jewish community when the Austrians occupied Sarajevo in 1697. They burned and destroyed the city’s Jewish quarter, including the synagogue. When the Austrians were forced to return the city to the Ottomans in 1739, the Jews fared much better, and were granted officially recognition. By 1856, Jews had equal status before the law.

Throughout the next few centuries, Jews in Sarajevo prospered. The city became a major crossroads in the Balkans for Jewish life, and came to be known as Little Jerusalem. By the mid-19th century, every doctor in Sarajevo was Jewish, and when educated Jews began arriving from Europe in 1878, Jewish children began attending public school.

However, Jewish life in Sarajevo changed forever with the rise of the Nazi regime in Germany during World War II. Before 1941, Sarajevo was home to some 8,000 to 12,000 Jews. Deportations to concentration camps run by Croatian fascists began that year, and by the end of the Holocaust, 85% of the Jewish population of Sarajevo had perished. Many who survived immigrated to Israel in 1948 and 1949.

In 1965, during ceremonies marking 400 years of Jewish presence in Bosnia, the Old Synagogue, though still owned by the remnant Jewish community, was converted into a city-run Jewish museum. Originally built in 1581, the Old Synagogue was one of 15 that functioned in the city before the Holocaust, when Sarajevo was a major Balkan center of Sephardi culture, and the city’s 12,000 Jews made up nearly 20 percent of the local population. Jewish communal services were shifted to an Ashkenazi synagogue, a grand, Moorish style temple built at the beginning of the 20th century, which was converted to include offices and function rooms as well as a sanctuary.

Taken...

This movie left my heart racing and made me vow to never let Shelby be out alone again. It's only more scary because this actually happens. But this movie moves so if you like thrillers you should like it.

I can't believe these girls!

Watch especially at 1:59 and 2:21 - but the whole thing is amazing.! Thanks, Eric Henning, for sharing this.

I recently was lucky enough to be able to contact my cousin through Facebook. As I'm trying to explain to my kids what a first cousin once removed is versus a second cousin, I came across this very useful chart. It's written from the point of view of how all the people relate to the person marked as ME.

Things I Wish Were Listed In My Profile

I recently re-met a friend from my youth (ELB) through facebook and reading her profile reminded me of how many things I would love to do yet haven't. It has made me refocus on those things and built the desire to one day be able to list them in MY profile.

1. Learn an instrument other than the piano (which I already play). Contestants are the clarinet, the mandolin, the harp, and the drums. I'm thinking clarinet is the most likely.
2. Become comfortable in a foreign language. (I don't dream as high as fluency.) I speak some Spanish, some German (more once I refresh), some Bosnian (didn't focus very much) and a few phrases in Arabic. I think I will focus on Spanish since I know the most of that, but I could be persuaded to make it Arabic.
3. Own a Vespa. I think. Although every time I think about this I can't justify a Vespa over a bicycle. Need to give that more thought.
4. Read every book. 'Nough said.
5. Get involved with dog rescue, possibly even becoming a foster for dogs rescued from puppy mills.
6. Travel to places I haven't made it to yet: Antarctica, African Safari, Vietnam, Scandinavia, Nova Scotia, the British Isles and Alaska. The last I include because I actually will be there via Cruise West in September for my 25th wedding anniversary with him.
7. Learn to play bridge.
8. Learn to scuba dive.
9. Snorkel through every "Top Places to Snorkel" list I come across.
10. Have grandkids. Lots of grandkids. I hear that it's a blast.
11. Go out to dinner with my sister, her treat, the night she gets her Environmental Engineering degree.
12. Learn to draw.
13. Learn to paint with watercolors.
14. Learn sign-language. Almost forgot this one, but I really would like to. I plan to take classes through the adult education classes in Cincinnati while I'm living there later this year.
15. Take dog-grooming so I can groom Sophie and save my family some money.
    
16. Volunteer at Drake Hospice Unit when I move to Cincinnati. That idea was formed during the hours that I spent there with my mom.
17. Train Maya as a hospital volunteer - she's the perfect dog for that as she is so quiet, so loving, and a sucker for being petted.
    
18. Walk. Through beautiful cities. Hike. Through our gorgeous National Park system.
19. Visit the Everglades and the Keys. I think I might quite like Florida based on the time I've spent in Destin.
20. Volunteer at the Cincinnati Zoo. Maybe I could be a giraffussus trainer.
21. Investigate becoming a vegetarian or moving in that general direction. The fact that I so love the occasional steak may be a problem. I could give up meat on a regular basis quite easily. Saying I'll never have a ribeye again? I'm just not there yet. Maybe I should just start where I am. Oh, and fish. And bacon. Yes, I have a way to go, I think.
22. Learn to make stained glass.
23. Become an expert crochet artist. Emphasis on the artistry.
24. Get my degree. Finally. Without taking money out of the "mouths" of my children (literally, their college educations come first) nor time out of the life of my poor, sacrificing husband. Still working on figuring out how to do this so I get want I want (a degree in International Studies focusing on human rights) without the negatives to everyone else.
25. Up my productivity quotient. This applies to everything, actually.
    

Ellen DeGeneres ~ I Love Jesus But I Drink A Little (HQ)

Congratulations Ry!

I was all giddy today because Ryan told me of his promotion. It's fun that I'm still capable of being so excited about an event in his life when so much of his life is lived far removed from me and will continue to be so as he continues his career and starts his new life with his wife, Jenise. He is now an E-4, a Petty Officer. I have no idea what that means exactly, and how the promotion process works exactly, but it doesn't matter. I celebrate his good news! I've been promised a photo of the ceremony.

Rokia Traore

Everytime I "discover" a new musical artist, it makes me wonder how many other artists are out there that I may never even hear of. It all seems so random. My latest "discovery" (the quotes are owing to my awareness that the word discovery suggests a degree of seeking that never actually existed) is Rokia Traore. I am so enjoying her album Tchamantche.

Graffiti written by an unknown Dutch soldier on a wall of the army barracks
in Potocari, Srebrenica, 1994/95. Royal Netherlands Army troops, as part of
the UN Protection Force (UNPROFOR) in Bosnia and Herzegovina 1992­95, were
responsible for protecting the Srebrenica safe area.

I saw this poster on a wall of a local printing company here in Sarajevo. The fineprint underneath the image was very small and I had to get up close to see it. I had stared at this poster all through our meeting trying to figure out why someone would have this on their wall. Of course, once I was able to read it, the irony of this being written by a peacekeeping soldier was not lost on me.

ISFJ

In Honor of Dianne...

I recently ordered a book based on a phrase in the subtitle - "one anothering." (Authentic Relationships: discover the lost art of one anothering by Wayne and Clay Jacobsen) I loved the sound of that phrase. Today was my first chance to pick it up and start reading and I hadn't even made it out of the preface before I knew I would love this book. But this post is less about the book and more about...Dianne. The author pulls out of the New Testament almost two dozen examples of how we "one another" each other and as I looked through the list I realized that my friendship with Dianne includes, I think, every one of them. I have other friendships that come close - but only the quotidian nature of our Gmail chat (quotidian's for you, D) has allowed us to so completely, in my opinion, "one another" each other.

Here is the author's list of where "one anothering" can be found in scripture:

• Loving one another John 13:34
• Forgiving one another Ephesians 4:32
• Accepting one another Romans 15:7
• Bearing with one another Ephesians 4:2
• Being devoted to one another Romans 12:10
• Honoring one another above ourselves Romans 12:10
• Greeting one another 2 Corinthians 13:12
• Being hospitable to one another 1 Peter 4:9
• Being kind and compassionate to one another Ephesians 4:32
• Sharing with one another Hebrews 13:16
• Carrying one another's burdens Galatians 6:2
• Building up one another 1 Thessalonians 5:11
• Encouraging one another daily Hebrews 3:13
• Comforting one another 1 Thessalonians 4:18
• Stimulating one another to love and good deeds Hebrews 10:24
• Instructing one another Romans 15:14
• Admonishing one another Colossians 3:16
• Praying for one another James 5:16
• Confessing your sins to one another James 5:16
• Being of the same mind toward one another Romans 12:16
• Submitting to one another Ephesians 5:21

I've actually said this to Dianne before - Everyone should have a Dianne in their life.

Note to Dianne: My comment inbox awaits your snarky reply.